I’d just seen ET and said: “You’re always trying to fix your husbands, but what if he’s from another planet?” One drunk woman shouted: “So where’s my husband from?” I replied: “Mars!” Everyone laughed. They would come to my talks with signs saying things like: “John Gray is a sexist.” As soon as you’re labelled a sexist, you’re also a misogynist, a rapist, a killer. The trouble was that, in the early 80s, we were all supposed to be the same, and people thought I meant women should be at home in the kitchen.
And that’s the secret of relationships: creating a space to be different. Essentially, I looked at the differences between men and women in a non-judgmental way. Women are like waves: their moods will shift, so ride the wave rather than holding her in one spot. Men sometimes retreat to their “caves” women shouldn’t take this personally, he still loves you. I thought they’d want their money back, because I didn’t solve the secret mystery of how to change their husbands, but my practice doubled in size. Women would come in to my office distressed and leave happy. One complaint I’d hear from clients was: “My husband doesn’t listen, he just gives solutions.” Well, that’s what I did as a therapist! So I started asking questions instead of answering them. For great joy and lasting passion, you need a new level of insight. We fantasise that Romeo and Juliet were this happy, romantic couple, but that’s only because they died a few days after their wedding. I was used to going off and meditating and leaving feelings behind. That was a remarkable experience for a monk. We fantasise that Romeo and Juliet were this happy couple, but that's because they died a few days after their wedding
Bonnie said: “Just come over here and hold me.” She started to cry and soften.
I did my normal thing: I stopped talking and walked out of the room. She was on painkillers, but ran out of them and didn’t tell me. The week after my wife, Bonnie, gave birth, we weren’t getting much sleep. When women upset me, I would meditate and analyse what had happened. Some of the ideas in the book were drawn from challenges I now faced. So when I started being around women, they were from another planet. I grew up with five brothers and, after I became a monk and lived around men, was celibate.
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